Joy and sorrow

| May 9, 2009 | 1 Comment

By: Karen Kuzmack

Eternal Light

Sunday is Mother’s Day and I have to admit it’s not one of my favorite “holidays”.  While  Hallmark, Sees and 1-800 Flowers make it out to be a joyful happy day, for many it holds a bittersweet meaning.

In April 1995, 33 weeks into my first pregnancy, I had a stillbirth.  I spent two days in hard labor delivering my daughter.  After the delivery, I held my baby girl in my arms telling her hello and goodbye at the same time.  5 weeks later it was Mother’s Day and it was not the celebration I had imagined.  My first Mother’s day and I’m dealing with the loss of my baby.  14 years later I can vividly remember that day.  

Fast forward to 2009 and I have been blessed with two wonderful children.  My daughter is 9 and my son is 4.  But it’s impossible to forget my first daughter.  One day when my daughter was 4,  she asked about her big sister and why she wasn’t with us anymore.  This completely surprised me, as I hadn’t shared or told her anything about her older sister yet.  When I asked her how she knew, she replied that she just sensed it.  

I love my kids and I love being a mother.  I’m extremely grateful for my two children. I admit I’m biased but I think I have the best kids in the world.  They both have pretty easy-going personalities and they get along with each other really well.  They truly like hanging out together!  It’s funny though, quite frequently (like almost weekly) they talk and make reference to the sister that’s not here, but should be.  Mind you, all of this is unprompted by me!  But yet we all share the same questions, curiosity and longing for our missing sister and daughter.

It’s hard when people ask me how many children I have.  It’s just not one of those easy conversations or explanations to go into.  So you can imagine how Mother’s Day holds both joy and sorrow.  I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Many women have lost their “babies” whether it be to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, accident, illness/disease or even war.  No matter if it was yesterday or many years ago, we still carry the loss of our child with us.

So on this Mother’s Day weekend, my thoughts go out to all the mother’s who are reflecting and remembering their children who are not with them.  It’s OK to feel sad and to miss them.  After all they are still a part of us.

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Category: Motherhood, Parenting, Self

Comments (1)

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  1. Ute Mitchell says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine, how much you must miss this girl. I’ll have to tell a similar story on here soon. I lost a child, not through death, but through her decision, that she no longer wanted me as a mother.

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