MOM VS. DAD DISCIPLINE

By: Sandra Gordon

Disagree with your spouse about how to deal when the kids won’t behave? Here, four couples with clashing styles learn to work together and get better results.

Shaney and Louis Goldenberg with Zachary, 3

1. “She believes in time-outs. I don’t.”

Discipline Dilemma. Shaney gives Zachary time-outs when he misbehaves. “But he just does the same thing 10 minutes later,” Louis says. On the other hand, Louis’s tactic of ignoring Zachary while he acts out hasn’t reduced the outbursts either.
Misbehavior Makeover. Punishing bad behavior doesn’t teach children the proper way to act, says Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., author of Positive Discipline. In fact, it usually backfires, making a child feel rebellious or inadequate. Instead of giving time-outs or withholding attention, the Goldenbergs should try a hug. “A hug doesn’t reward misbehavior,” says Nelsen. “It helps a child reach a better state of mind. Then you can help him figure out a better solution.”
Three Weeks Later. Zachary threw a fit when his dad wanted to stop for bagels on their way to a bowling alley. Louis was so annoyed that he drove straight home instead. When Shaney heard what had happened, she spoke gently with Zachary about the incident. “Once he settled down, we discussed what he could do differently the next time,” she says. Louis was impressed with how Zachary responded to Shaney, and he decided to try the settle-down-first-then-talk-it-out approach too. It worked. A week later, when Louis took Zachary to a batting cage and it was closed, Zachary easily agreed to go home. “It’s amazing what a difference it makes to speak calmly to a child when he’s upset,” Louis says.

Margarida and Daniel Wainraich with Danielle, 6, and Hope, 4

2. “I like to coddle. He likes to threaten.”

Discipline Dilemma. Danielle and Hope never put their toys away. Consequently, the Wainraichs’ house is messy. “I’m lenient,” says Margarida, who often picks up after them. Daniel is less forgiving. If the girls ignore his request to clean up, he threatens to throw their toys away. “They’re old enough to understand consequences,” he says.
Misbehavior Makeover. The girls should learn to pick up after themselves, says Susan Isaacs Kohl, a preschool director in Lafayette, California. To encourage the process, the Wainraichs should offer an incentive to clean up, such telling Danielle and Hope they can play outside once they’re finished. “That’s not bribing,” Kohl says. Rather, it makes them understand that completing chores makes other fun activities possible. If the girls don’t help out, Margarida and Daniel should calmly explain that they won’t be able to play with those toys for the rest of the day.
Three Weeks Later. “The first time I told Danielle she had to clean up, she thought I was joking,” Margarida says. “But I kept calmly saying, ‘We’re all doing this together.’ Eventually, she helped, and Hope did too.” Daniel tried the same tactic. “I kept it positive by focusing on how clean the playroom would look when we were done,” he says. “It worked.” One day, when Danielle and Hope wouldn’t cooperate, they didn’t get to go to the park. But that only happened once. “Now they put their things away without us having to tell them,” Margarida says proudly.

Janine and Michael Sillat, with Ethan, 2, and Emma, 2 months

3. “We don’t agree on spanking.”

Discipline Dilemma. Ethan has meltdowns whenever his sippy cup isn’t filled or he doesn’t want to get dressed. “Maybe spanking will help Ethan listen,” Michael says. Janine is opposed to the idea, but she hasn’t been able to derail Ethan’s tantrums using a softer approach.
Misbehavior Makeover. First, the Sillats should understand that Ethan’s behavior is normal for his age, says Carleton Kendrick, a family therapist in Millis, Massachusetts. Ethan’s defiance stems from his growing awareness of the power he wields by saying “No!” Moreover, baby Emma’s arrival means he’s no longer the center of attention—a big blow for a child this age.
Next, the Sillats “must accept that spanking merely teaches a child that grown-ups can hurt him,” Kendrick says. Instead, Janine and Michael should give Ethan extra attention and emphasize the big-boy things he can do—run and eat by himself—that Emma can’t. When they sense he’s approaching a meltdown, the Sillats should distract him, for instance by challenging him to see how fast he can get dressed.
Three Weeks Later. Giving Ethan extra affection has had a positive impact. “Before I leave for work, Ethan always has me give everyone, including him, a big hug and then a little hug,” Michael says. “He gets such a big kick out of it.” Diversionary tactics have also reduced Ethan’s tantrums. “And even when Ethan does act out, knowing his behavior will ease up as he matures makes it easier to deal with,” Janine says.

Jennifer and Chris McKinley, with Brenna, 2, and Ian and Patrick, 7 months

4. “He’s the good guy. I’m stuck being the enforcer.”

Discipline Dilemma. Chris travels during the week, which leaves Jennifer, a stay-at-home mom, in charge of discipline. “And when Chris is home, I’m judgmental. For example, he might try to make Brenna laugh if she’s whining,” says Jennifer. “That doesn’t teach her anything.”
Misbehavior Makeover. “The McKinleys should follow this simple guideline: Whoever speaks first, rules,” says Karen Deerwester, an early-childhood specialist in Coral Springs, Florida. That is, if Chris disciplines Brenna, he calls the shots for that occasion. If Jennifer disagrees with his method, she should talk about it with him after Brenna is asleep. “It’s important to realize there’s not one right way to handle a situation,” Deerwester says.
Three Weeks Later. The “who speaks first” rule paid off. “I let Chris handle more situations with Brenna,” Jennifer says. And Chris was happy to take control more often. “I’m dealing with behavioral issues because Jennifer allows me to,” he says. Their new approach has made a world of difference. “Brenna listens to me more because I’m less stressed,” Jennifer says.

Sandra Gordon writes frequently about health, nutrition and parenting for consumer magazines, which include Fitness, Family Circle and Prevention.