January 2010 – What Do You Think Winner

In the January issue of Portland Family Magazine we asked our readers the following question:

How do you build self-reliance in your children?

Our winning response, from Jemila Kwon, is as follows:

I’m the mother of three kids, ages 7 1/2, 4 and 2 1/2. I think building self-reliance begins with seeing our kids as innately capable, and then help them grow into what that means based on where they are and who they are. Entrusting them with important tasks, however tiny or momentous lets them know they are important and that what they do is valued, while letting them know we have confidence in their capabilities, even if they start out wobbly. Letting them take healthy risks and make important contributions lays the foundations for self-reliance in the context of a significant and connected role in the family, and eventually in the larger world. Fostering self-reliance can look different from kid to kid.

Each child is so different. My youngest insists on doing it (whether “it” is putting on her own undies or carrying a full cup of smoothie to the table,) on her own until she is clear that she needs help. Then she freely asks for it — in fact, she insists on it. With my oldest child, it often takes a gentle nudge in the direction of independence. “Mom, can please I have some more rice?” “Sure, Sweetie. It’s in the pot. Help yourself.” With my middle child it works great to focus on future growth into new abilities. “By the time you are five you will be able to peel the cucumber on your own!”

When it’s obvious one of my kids genuinely wants to learn but feels intolerably frustrated, it often works well when I say something like, “how about we do it together this time and the next time give it a shot on your own. I’ll be here if you truly need some help.” I let them know that it’s okay to ask for help, in fact, offering help and asking for help appropriately are part of bring a team, and it’s in find the sweet spot where self-reliance and shared community meet that we find the joy of interdependence.